Feelings of Shame in the Trans* Identity

There are lots of things that people feel shame for. Shame is a natural human emotion, and everyone will feel it at one point in their lives. Perhaps you cheated on a maths test, or you tripped someone over when you were six. Maybe you even started a rumour about that girl you've never really liked because she looked at you the wrong way. Some things, though, people should not feel shame for.

One thing of these things is denial about your non-cis gender identity.

Notice I say 'non-cis', meaning this does not just apply to transsexual people. This also applies to anyone who falls under the trans* umbrella.

And just to put a disclaimer, although I know someone will find a problem with at least one thing I talk about in this post, I do not for one moment believe that every single person who identifies under the trans* umbrella feels shame. I also don't believe that every trans* person refuses to talk about denial, lies about their gender journey, or actually anything at all because everyone is different, and I know that.

In the past week on OurLifeAsTrans, we have been discussing denial and identifying as something else before identifying as trans* because we didn't want to be trans* e.t.c. e.t.c. e.t.c. If you want to, you can see my video here.

Watching the other guys' videos though, and thinking more about the topic, I felt inspired to write this blog post.

As I said in my video, when I first thought I was trans*, I felt shame. I was scared, confused and, yeah, ashamed. And it didn't matter how much I looked up to other trans* guys (on the contrary, many of my good friends were trans* guys) try as I might I felt shame for a good few months about my gender. So much so that I tried to deny the fact that I was struggling. I disguised myself as a lesbian and used that as an excuse to dress in men's clothes (or, rather, clothing from the men's section, because who is to say what is a man's clothing, and what is a woman's?).

I was deeply disturbed by the idea of myself being trans*.

There, I said it.

Now, I am not going to deny that I don't still have some of these feelings some days right now. There are times when I just sit back and think 'Jesus Christ, life would be much easier if I had been born a cisguy.' Does this mean I am ashamed of myself being trans* or the trans* community? Not at all.

One thing that does upset me about the community though is about how this topic is not discussed. I know that one or two years ago, I would have benefited a lot from someone quite far down their transition – may that be post top surgery or even just a couple of months on HRT – saying that they too had had doubts. So many times did I hear “I have always been sure about my gender” or “I've known since I was 8” and that threw me off. Big style.

I thought, well I didn't know then, so I can't be trans*. Yay! I'm a normal lesbian. And is that true? Of course it bloody isn't. (Note: I use the word “normal” because that is what I would have thought at the time, not because I think anyone is “normal”, or that “normal” is even a thing. What is “normal”? Fucking nothing.)

One of the reasons I think people feel shame though, is because of the lack of talking that happens in the trans* community about being doubtful of your gender identity. The more people talk, the more people learn that it is OK to be doubtful, therefore the shame will be less likely to be there, in my opinion. I know that would have helped me for sure.

Basically, my point is that people should talk about doubts more. Being doubtful of your gender identity does not make you any less trans*.

Being doubtful of your gender identity does not make you any less trans*.

Being doubtful of your gender identity does not make you any less trans*.

I said it three times because I think it's important.

The amount of times I have wished that knowing your gender was as easy as knowing your sexuality, but it just isn't. I can see both masculine and feminine traits in my behaviour. The only thing that has made me sure that I am male is thinking about had I been born male, would I consider transitioning to female?

No way.

Therefore, I believe, I am a trans* man. But of course I have had doubts.

I could talk about this topic for years, and while I would love to, I do have a life to live and other things to discuss.

Just please, be more vocal about your doubts. People won't doubt your gender identity, or at least they shouldn't, and it could make a lot of people's gender journeys far more smooth and worriless (according to Word, 'worriless' isn't a word but I like to think it is).

Now, my good friend Alec made a fantastic video where he talked about not even realising you are in denial because you're in denial. I think that is brilliant idea I plan to develop in another blog post I think I am going to be writing within the next week. For the mean time, watch his video here.

Love,

Benjamin x